New Year's Day is almost over, and I have yet to be asked, "What's your New Year's Resolution?" Not to say I'm upset about it, because I'm not. I just don't like the question. I used to make New Year's resolutions every year. Actually, I made the same-ish resolution every year. "This year, I am going to take care of me!" translation - to be skinnier. Or another one was, "Well, this year, I am going to be in the best shape of my life!" translation - to be skinnier. I would start off with my new outlook on life, 100% confident that I was going to finally succeed. Nothing was going to stop me, and by next New Year's Eve I was going to share the story of my success with anyone that would listen!!!
Wellllll, that lasted until January 3rd. The cupcakes, mocha, candy, etc. the Devil himself delivered to work were just too much temptation though and I fell off the resolution bandwagon. "OK" I would tell myself, "I'm starting tomorrow! I hate myself for eating those damn things and I can't believe I caved. I am NEVER going to feel this way again.... starting tomorrow!"
This cycle continued for the next ..... wait, who am I kidding? It's still going on! The difference this year, is that I am not making that damn "resolution".
The only thing I ever got from a resolution were feelings of guilt and failure because I would mentally beat myself up each time I cheated. I would literally hate myself for having a stinking cupcake! I can't do that to myself anymore. In hating myself so much over a cupcake, I completely knock down any self-esteem I might have. Which, brings me to today. Do I want to be skinnier? Yup. Do I want to be stronger, healthier, have more energy, and most importantly, be proud of who I am? HELL YES! Does that damn little esteem grabber voice in my head tell me I just really need to be skinnier to be happy? Unfortunately, that is a yes too. But, I'm discovering in myself that when I make a stupid resolution, I have set myself up for failure. Ultimately, that failure, has given that stupid little voice power over me. It has told me over and over that I am not going to succeed. The worst part - I tend to believe it.
A resolution is too vague and way too much to tackle. At least for me. So, as I talked about in my last post, I'm setting goals. Small, attainable goals. Also, my focus is not to be "skinny". It's to be strong and healthy, physically and mentally. My hope, is that each time I reach a goal, no matter how small, I beat down that little voice in my head more and more. Now, I'm tempted to say a goal right now is to beat down that voice completely. It is, just a little farther down Goal Lane. I need to prove to myself that I CAN reach a goal, feel the positive energy that comes from it a couple times, then I will kick that little voices ass!
This has been done time and time again, by many people before me, so I'm sure, very predictable. I decided to do this blog strictly for myself, to document my path to a healthier lifestyle, outlook on life, and self-esteem. At first I thought it would just be to document my "weight loss journey" (bleh!) but I thought, "What the heck? Nothing else has worked, so why not write it down?" Well, the more I thought about it, I realized that I could be a size 4, look like a supermodel, or even have all the money in the world; but, I'm not going to be happy with any of it until I take care of me. Yeah, sounds corny, but it's true. See, I have been skinny - some would say I am now - I have modeled, and while I can't afford to quit work and travel the world, I can provide for myself and my family. So, what's my problem? I'm my own worst enemy! I am self-deprecating in every way, I look at myself and see a fat, unattractive, undesirable, unintelligent woman. Even right now, seeing this in words, I almost can't believe they are my thoughts and I'm feeling pretty pathetic. But, these are the thoughts I jump to all the time. When I get dressed in the morning, at a party with friends, look in the mirror in the bathroom. I think this way. So, that brings me here..... maybe if I put some things in writing, I can "check" myself.
The pressure society puts on women to look or dress a certain way is ridiculous! Add that to the pressure we put on ourselves, to be good wives, mothers, etc ..... well, it's a recipe for low self-esteem, anorexia, and just plain old craziness!
So to demonstrate my level of craziness......in the 20 or so minutes it has taken me to write this I have done the following:
--Felt my "double-chin" REPEATEDLY.
--Looked at my stomach on each side and the front to see how far it sticks out -REPEATEDLY.
--FELT my stomach while looking it over, to see how far it sticks out - REPEATEDLY.
--Thought to myself, "Ugh, I need to lose weight." - REPEATEDLY.
and finally ....
--Told myself, "I'm going to eat healthy starting tomorrow." - REPEATEDLY!!!
This takes a lot of freaking energy! It takes away from my life!! But, I am not going to say, "No more." Well, I don't know what I am going to say in place of that, but it just brings me down when, "No more." becomes, "Once more." or, "Next time."
They say you should break your goals down into small, manageable, attainable goals, and each time you reach a benchmark, you feel stronger and more motivated to work towards the next goal. I think that is as good of place as any, so here goes -
Goal #1 - This week I will hit the gym at least 4 times. This should be small enough, right?
Goal #2 - This week I will focus on strength, not my size!
OK, that's it. I want to keep them small. I will let you know, well, myself know, (since I am the only one reading this) how I did, then go from there!
