Here we go!

This has been done time and time again, by many people before me, so I'm sure, very predictable.  I decided to do this blog strictly for myself, to document my path to a healthier lifestyle, outlook on life, and self-esteem.  At first I thought it would just be to document my "weight loss journey" (bleh!) but I thought, "What the heck?  Nothing else has worked, so why not write it down?"  Well,  the more I thought about it, I realized that I could be a size 4, look like a supermodel, or even have all the money in the world; but, I'm not going to be happy with any of it until I take care of me.  Yeah, sounds corny, but it's true.  See, I have been skinny - some would say I am now - I have modeled, and while I can't afford to quit work and travel the world, I can provide for myself and my family.  So, what's my problem?  I'm my own worst enemy!  I am self-deprecating in every way, I look at myself and see a fat, unattractive, undesirable, unintelligent woman.  Even right now, seeing this in words, I almost can't believe they are my thoughts and I'm feeling pretty pathetic.  But, these are the thoughts I jump to all the time.  When I get dressed in the morning, at a party with friends, look in the mirror in the bathroom.  I think this way.  So, that brings me here..... maybe if I put some things in writing, I can "check" myself. 

The pressure society puts on women to look or dress a certain way is ridiculous!  Add that to the pressure we put on ourselves, to be good wives, mothers, etc ..... well, it's a recipe for low self-esteem, anorexia, and just plain old craziness!

So to demonstrate my level of craziness......in the 20 or so minutes it has taken me to write this I have done the following:
--Felt my "double-chin" REPEATEDLY.
--Looked at my stomach on each side and the front to see how far it sticks out  -REPEATEDLY.
--FELT my stomach while looking it over, to see how far it sticks out - REPEATEDLY.
--Thought to myself, "Ugh, I need to lose weight." - REPEATEDLY.
and finally ....
--Told myself, "I'm going to eat healthy starting tomorrow." - REPEATEDLY!!!

This takes a lot of freaking energy!  It takes away from my life!! But, I am not going to say, "No more."  Well, I don't know what I am going to say in place of that, but it just brings me down when, "No more." becomes, "Once more." or, "Next time."

They say you should break your goals down into small, manageable, attainable goals, and each time you reach a benchmark, you feel stronger and more motivated to work towards the next goal.  I think that is as good of place as any, so here goes -

Goal #1 - This week  I will hit the gym at least 4 times.  This should be small enough, right?

Goal #2 - This week I will focus on strength, not my size! 

OK, that's it. I want to keep them small.  I will let you know, well, myself know, (since I am the only one reading this) how I did, then go from there!